My revelations

We have all dealt with traumatic experiences in our lives wether it is DV, or simply just getting over someone you loved after a break up.

I often talk about my experiences in relationships in blogs. But this is different.

I have found new information that changes my understanding of how I see the way I do things.

Revelation one

People tell me that I should take some time to rest if needed, and that it is ok to have a lazy day. But my brain is wired differently. I dealt with living with a father, and abusive partner who never believed I didn't do enough. When I got out of the psych unit they just told me to stay occupied. This really stuck with me. I realized I don't like getting rest anymore. I just need a change in scenery for a while.

Lately I have been trying to do what I do best: Concentrate on other things. I stay goal orintated, and finish the tasks I want. It's often without a timeframe or even a deadline. I realized that being in the songwritting zone is my relaxation. Not being destracted by what is happening around me is my relaxation. I don't think that part of me will ever change.

Revelation two

I recentlty took up medicinal marajuana for my physical aches and pains. But it is only on rare occassions. While I was in my bathtub I realized I needed to face my thoughts a lot better rather than escape them. It's commonsense to understand that these sort of things take time, and that you face them head on by channeling it into something you are interested in. After firing up that first and last blaze I was bored, and feeling dissapointed about things. I couldn't escape them for very long. It reminded me of my drinking and how I just wanted to mentally leave my mind. Now I am proud it's been four years since I quit.

The funny thing about this is that revelations are like lessons. They teach you things. When you've actually learnt them you trully feel that understanding of what is going on around you. What's going on around your mind, your thoughts. Sometimes it's about things you never thought you wanted to know. Sometimes it's all you need to just keep going.