Relationships, and the story behind my song "Residue"

We all experience different kinds of relationships throughout our lives — friendships, casual flings, situationships, or simply connections that offer companionship without commitment. For most of my life, I’ve wondered what a relationship truly is, and why I’ve had so much difficulty maintaining one.

I’ve had four serious relationships in my life, and none of them really went as planned.

In my early 20s, I dated someone with strong narcissistic traits, and it became so intense that it led to a period of psychiatric care. That experience is a long story in itself.

After that, I was in a long-distance relationship with someone living with schizophrenia who still lived with his dad. When I tried to build something more real by moving closer (In real life), I realized I wasn’t happy being cramped in a room that was the size of a shoebox, and I wasn't happy that I was negected.

The third relationship was more emotionally closed off — he kept his feelings guarded and wasn’t able to fully step into the relationship.

The last one involved a covert narcissist, and it ultimately escalated to the point where I had to go to court to obtain an intervention order.

Now here's the story behind my latest track - Residue.

I met this person on a dating webiste. I knew this person for four years, and even though it was on and off contact, AND I was in a relationship during that period I had feelings that never went away. I recently gave that person one last chance. I gave him a week to decide wether he wanted to take things further. However I wasn't getting much out of it. I wasn't getting any communication whatsoever. Just short messages that were meaningless small talk, getting ghosted and nothing more. It was weird because at the start of that period we had alot of virtual intimacy, which gave me false hope that he would be remotely interested. The icing on the cake is that we never met up.

This sort of thing literally kept me awake late at night. I sent him three final messages, and then removed him as follower on Instagram. I knew that I deserved much better than this. One of the last things I said to him was this "I have realized this dymanic hasn't been good for me emotionally. I don't apprecaite feeling wanted but avoided when it comes to clarity and commitment. I need something more consistent and respectful than this."

This entire experience made me think about alot of things. I had to remember what I wanted in a future partner even though I am not really looking for a relationship, and to properly step away when things get wishy washy. I will make it clear:

I value Kindness, politeness, emotional maturity, communication, repect, emotional closenss, affection, chivarly and exclusivity.

I know that if someone is trully as emotionally invested they would pull all the stops to show me how much they want me in their lives. I would want them to care about my feelings as much as I would care about theirs.

Right now I virtually have no confidance in relationships. They say that I will find someone. But I have had to accept things as they are, and just be alone.