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My relationships with other people and how it affects my self esteem.




I see myself as a lower-classed hermit. I do not go out very much unless I have a coffee with my best friend. When you are in such a small town like I am it can also be very hard to meet people in the flesh.


I remember a time where we called our friends on the phone to chat, and persuade them to ask their parents for permission for us to hang out together. Smart phones, Tablets, Wide screen TVs did not exist back then. It was the 90s. We still drank from the hose during the hotter months, spent some of our weekends in by going to the the video store to rent a movie on VHS. The list goes on.


When I was growing up as a teenager things got difficult for me. I was bullied in High school, and could only make friends at parties. When I turned 21 we tried to organise a bus party to go clubbing, no one bothered to RSVP to let us know if they were coming. It seemed that everytime I tried to organise something no body would want to hang out with me anymore because they were busy elsewhere, and would not go out of their way for me. I never dared to question why.


Now I am reaching my 40s. I realized I acomplished nothing knowing that many people do not stick around. I don't have enough close friends. This is why I never get invited to weddings from people whom I thought I knew. But sometimes I feel that most people are not interested in getting to know me.


I used to work as a kitchen assistant for 8.5 years. I quit my job about a year ago due to many disabilities. After a whole year of sobriety I went to the last Christmas/yearly party to see how I would cope without a drop of alcohol. Even though I tried to be as nice, and as laid back as I could I could not relate to anyone. I was always known to be left out of group conversations, and be completely phased out. I could never get a word in. So I would end up just giving up. Ontop of this those who did drink on the night no longer wanted to be involved. All they cared about was the music, and the dancing (which is fine) . But everything became a little incoherant, and somehow I was feeling like I was always left out of place.


Does anyone really meet anyone at all?

Does anyone really bother get to know anyone?


There are so many reasons for this, and this actually saddens me. I have learnt how my mindset relates to the people around me wether it is in the flesh or on social media. I have people who don't mind my awkward personality, and choose to stick around. I constanty try my best to concentrate on those who really dig my presence. But judgement from others can comprimise this too. I sometimes crave for something better. At the same time I have no choice. But to accept that this is the way it is.








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I identify myself about what you wrote. I lived 90´s also as you described. Today i am 42 years old. I past the same as you past, when people was need drugs and alcohol i was them best friend, but it was just on that moment of addiction, because i was not invited to them marriage also. I know i have a disturb, a illness, and stopped to use drugs in 2010. People dont want a person like me to get near on them private lives, dont want them familiar and friends to know that i exist, because i did alot of shit when i was junkie and for real them was right, because i was not a good person…

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Yes. Addiction does play a huge part in how you deal with society also. It can be emotionally alienating. I hope you are doing ok, my friend! Keep on Rocking!

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